Tuesday Is This Week's New Friday

People, people, people. Can we please stop all the madness about NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg running for higher office, specifically President of these United States? The man literally bought the mayor's office, has basically been little more than a front for real estate interests, and has not had one signature moment or idea after five years in office, unless you count his ill-fated plan to build a football stadium on the West Side of Manhattan. On top of that, Mayor Mike stands knee-high to a circus midget and has a whining, grating voice like a Jewish grandmother with a bad case of PMS. Other than that, he'd make a fine national candidate...

...Unfortunately, Michael Bloomberg isn't the only delusional NYC pol who seems ready to launch a national campaign. One of the creepier people in the history of public life in this nation not only has designs on an office he has no real qualifications for, but Rudy Giuliani has one of the worst temperaments you could draw up for a statesman this side of George Allen. The public record is rife with examples of Giuliani's bullying, loudmouth, undiplomatic histrionics toward anyone who disagreed with him -- and that doesn't even take into consideration his continuing, disgraceful exploitation of the September 11th terrorist attacks. He's a rare example of a politician who seems to be equally detested by liberals and conservatives alike, and a strange case where people who weren't "privileged" to live in NYC during his autocratic, overbearing time in office have a much higher opinion of Rudy than those who did. That's no accident, because reviving tourism at all costs and concentrating on petty quality of life concerns were the lifeblood of his blustery reign. As my friend Theo Kojak used to say, Get him out of here and spray the room...

By now I'm sure you've all read about that nonpartisan/bipartisan Iraq Study Group led by Jim/James Baker that is entrusted with bailing out President Bush's sorry ass from the fiasco/folly that is our war in Iraq. But did you happen to catch some of the names of these ersatz diplomats? If you've been wondering what former Attorney General Ed Meese has been up to, you'd be correct in guessing the porker has to be around 300 pounds now, living among his peers on a remote bacon farm. But it turns out these Iran-Contra guys never actually go away, and old Ed, who once famously proclaimed ketchup a vegetable, has taken his place at the Iraq roundtable -- eager to dispense more of his storied wisdom...

Equally frightening/disheartening is the presence of Alan K. Simpson, the former Senator from Wyoming or Montana or one of those far-flung, unpopulated states that nobody can be certain actually exists. This panel is supposed to represent innovative, fresh, bold thinking, so of course the average age of someone on the Iraq Study Group is around 107 years old, which perfectly matches the intransigent, antediluvian nature of these timeworn lifetime politicians...

I read the other week where human fossil Gerald Ford just became the longest living former president of all time, passing primordial Ronald Reagan. Ford is one of only four ex-presidents to live past 90 years old, so it's just a matter of time now before the superannuated 93-year-old is tapped to join those other bright-eyed fresh faces on the "new" Bush Team...

I've been getting the New York Times delivered on weekends for the last couple of months, although I've yet to send them a single payment. Also subscribing to Newsweek for around the same time, likewise still on the cuff. I've always found Newsweek's political coverage well-balanced and top-notch, but their post-election issue a few weeks ago was superb. I'm always here to help...

Speaking of The Times, one recent headline -- "Beguiling Youth in an L.I. White" -- really baffled me with its cryptic syntax, before my eyes finally drifted down the page and I realized I was on the wine page and the story dealt with this year's Beaujolais Nouveau crop. I thought it was a crime story about a cunning con artist disguising himself on Long Island. Hey, it could happen...

After seeing the trailer for the new movie (based on the book) Fast Food Nation and reading some of the reviews, consider me scared straight. I hereby vow from hereon out to never frequent Mickey D's or similar chains again. The disgusting part about cow intestines and their waste-laden contents being ground up and ultimately making it into your Big Mac was what ruined all future Happy Meals for me. I went years and years without even venturing under the Golden Arches before I started working in the healthy-food-choice-depleted area of Hells Kitchen, but I hope this will kick-start a new phase for me. Stay tuned...

The new definition of "total fucking loser" has to go to those uber-nerds waiting in line to buy the new PlayStation. When I saw the news footage of pathetic people camped out in the cold and rain to get a shot at plopping down good money for an overpriced product, or at least spending what they've managed to save up from their weekly allowances, I assumed that this phenomenon was confined to the thriving dork populace of Manhattan, widely considered the natural spawning ground for nerdy, life-challenged wimps. But apparently this is a nationwide, even global situation. Japan, for one, apparently has a homegrown citizenry that can match America dork for dork and nerd for nerd ... News footage highlighted cops pushing and even beating onrushing shoppers as they ran toward the opening doors of electronics stores. This is one instance where police brutality is wholly justified, and can think of no better use of a nightstick or billy club than smacking these clueless geeks upside their pointy little heads. In fact, upon entering the store, these video-gamers should be immediately signed up for a long tour of duty in Afghanistan or Iraq, since they like shooting at things & blowing stuff up so much. Time for these kids to grow up...