First Lenny Bruce wannabe Michael "Kramer" Richards goes off on a tasteless racist rant at a comedy club, then tries to atone with apologies to anyone and everyone he encounters for the next two weeks...Next, leading anthropologist Michael "The Greek" Irvin tries to explain the athleticism of a white quarterback by humorously postulating he must have had some black blood somewhere back in his family tree, then becomes contrite when he realizes how offensive his remarks were to blacks and whites alike.
Then left-handed QB Michael "Dirty Bird" Vick, showing admirable ambidexterity, uses both hands to flip the time-tested one-finger salute to a heckling fan on Sunday, then -- you guessed it -- apologizes to fans the next day and pledges to never again resort to the ever-popular obscene hand gesture...And now New York City Mayor Michael "The Millionaire" Bloomberg is forced to take responsibility for the "gangland-style slaying" his police force apparently committed, with officers accused of executing a groom-to-be in Queens on the day of his wedding.
A tough couple of weeks for anyone named Michael. A tough couple of weeks for race relations in this country. But don't worry, beneath the ugly exterior is an even uglier reality: we still can't just all get along, even at this late date...
(Now comes word that the Dallas Cowboys, the hottest team in the NFL and a possible Super Bowl contender, have just cut ties with their slumping kicker, whose full name is ... Michael Vanderjagt. You can't make this stuff up!)
Michael Richards is hoping he will wake up from his nightmare and it will turn out to have been a bad lost Seinfeld episode...
The actions of Michael Irvin sometimes make it hard to admit you're a Cowboy fan. Irvin is now just thanking his lucky stars he's not an old white guy (see Jimmy Snyder, Al Campanis) or he too would find himself out of a job...
Michael Vick is probably happy the spotlight is off his underwhelming passing numbers and his underachieving Atlanta Falcons football team, as well as his infamous herpes moment from a few years back. It's no wonder Vick felt the need to use a non-Mike-related alias (would you believe Ron Mexico?)...
And Mayor Michael Bloomberg is perhaps eager to show the black community that he's no Rudy Giuliani, he of the volcanic temper who never met a case of police excess or brutality where he wasn't willing to blindly support the cops' version of events, so he stood side by side with Al Sharpton and other prominent black leaders yesterday...
We have become accustomed to an all-too-familiar ritual when celebrities are ensnared in some egregious personal scandal or embarrassing imbroglio. First the accused offers sincere, heartfelt penance; then he or she will appear publicly remorseful; followed shortly by a showy penitential for the media, whereupon it's customary to blame the whole thing on an addiction to alcohol or painkillers or a long-abeyant incident of child abuse...
The American public loves to build up its celebrity superstars, then delights in their subsequent downfalls and transgressions, yet ultimately is only too willing to offer exoneration and absolution when the accused ultimately begs for forgiveness. The whole cycle of expiation and atonement has a distinctly religious ring to it, although it's hard to miss the smoky odor of hypocrisy and falsity that is attached to the unseemly, unholy ceremony. We're still escaping the chafing bonds of Puritanism lo these many years later, and it's usually not a pretty sight. After all, the name Michael itself means: Who is like God? Judging from the events of the last few weeks, not very many of us, not very many of us at all. Especially those with that formerly saintly but now suddenly cursed given name Michael.
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