Freestyle Friday

Wake up the Kids and call your weird Aunt Phyllis, we'll have so much fun the neighbors will think it's weird! It's Freestyle Friday, so Koo Koo Kachoo to you! We got a guaranteed crowd pleaser on hand here today, step right up don't linger, there's something for everyone.

For the puerile rubbernecker in all of us, how about the "leering, dirty doctor" convicted yesterday in a $15 million case of serial sexual harassment while he worked at a Queens hospital. Matthew Miller hit on nurses, sales reps, interns, fellow doctors, patients, orderlies, janitors and even some cadavers and test tube specimens over his 27-year career:

Before nurse Janet Bianco stood up to him - risking her job at Flushing Hospital - Dr. Matthew Miller engaged in an almost constant and unchecked pattern of shameless sex talk and unwanted physical contact, she and other victims said in sworn statements. Miller's lecherous grasp extended from nurses at Flushing Hospital to female pharmaceutical sales reps sent to his private practice, his victims said.

Small world, or at least small borough of Queens, because it turns out I know 2 of his patients. They had heard rumors about Miller, but not specifics like:

Before he was stripped of his admitting privileges at Flushing Hospital in 2001, Miller earned a nickname from the nurses as a way to warn one another of his approach, Kmiotek said. "He had a handlebar mustache, so we would say, 'koo koo kachoo' after the Beatles song 'I Am the Walrus,'" she said.

Well, Bob and Holly, I hope your next doctor stays out of the news. One look at this creep and my first reaction was he got away cheap; the hospital is paying half the damages. You can't help thinking there should be a more fitting punishment for Dr. Touchy-Feely, one that involves him being stripped of his dignity on a daily basis, that is if he had any left. Somehow I don't think this is what old Hippocrates had in mind ("If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times, but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot")...

...What's with all this Snuggie madness? In what's being hailed as the greatest technological development of the new century, some innovative sort -- not content with things as they are but embarked on a never-ending quest to improve the lot of his fellow Man -- decided it would be a great idea to put sleeves on a blanket, or make a blanket out of a robe, or something of the kind...

...Before you scoff and write the Snuggie off up as another Chia Pet, consider that over 4 million have been sold in just the last 3 months. Perhaps America can Snug its way out of the recession...

Saturday Night Live has lampooned it, local newscasts have tried to get to the bottom of it, a New York Daily News reporter put on a Snuggie and walked around in public with it, predictably drawing quizzical stares...

...For some weird reason the Snuggie has hit the national Funnybone, and we know how painful that can be, but how long before some jackass trips down the staircase in one of these things and files a class action lawsuit...
...Speaking of dumb marketing trends, the other day on Ditmars Boulevard I saw a new store opening in a location that had been boarded up for a while. Some workers were putting up the sign, and it was also one of those Signs of the Times that just brings me down: BEACH BUM TANNING. Just when I thought my faith in mankind in general and in Astoria specifically couldn't get any lower, along comes this ridiculous abomination. I give the place six months before something even dumber replaces it if the recent trend of Retail Store Displacement is any indication...

...Weirdest product warning I've seen in quite some from the box of the new glass tea kettle I bought: "Manufacturer and Distributor of this product will not be responsible or liable for any physical, mental or emotional damage from the misuse of this product. Please use this product wisely and according to its instructions." Mental or emotional damage?! I just want to boil water for my Irish Breakfast Tea in it, not have a meaningful long-term relationship with the damn thing...

...Following spring training baseball is like drinking non-alcoholic beer: what's the point...

...Remember how I found 2o bucks in late November? Well, I found another 20 last week, but didn't get to keep it! I'm walking along on my merry way, coming home from shopping, when I spot a nice clean 20 folded in half, so without missing a stride I scoop it up and it's literally halfway down my right front pants pocket when a woman comes rushing out of Cassinelli Pasta saying "It's mine!" What was I gonna do, argue with her? I knew right away she was telling the truth, so I handed it over and, after a few curses muttered under my breath when she was out of range, I went back on my way, perhaps a little less merry than before...

...Was checking the dollar books outside the Strand the other day, Ash Wednesday, and after about 5 or 6 minutes nothing caught my eye and I was about to move along when I saw a book called, ironically, Ash Wednesday, so I had to pick it up for a buck. It's from 2002, and it's the second novel by actor Ethan Hawke, who considers himself something of a renaissance man. Skimming over the first 20 pages, it's not bad at all, a little reminiscent of Richard Price's Ladies Man, and that's high praise coming from me. It's just that I'm in one of my cycles where I'm not into fiction, so I'll put Ash Wednesday on the back burner. Oh shit, my apartment doesn't have a back burner! Mind if I use yours?