Schadenfreund Friday

SO THIS IS HOW the once-promising NFL career of Plaxico Burress will officially end: with a bang AND a whimper -- the bang of his unlicensed Glock going off in a Manhattan nightclub, the whimper of the inevitable forthcoming plea bargain to stay out of jail...

...Looks like Burress will finally be getting the "street cred" that was so important to him...

...Then again, begging for mercy didn't exactly help O.J. Simpson get any time off at his sentencing today for his robbery/kidnapping conviction:

Before being sentenced an emotional Simpson apologized for his actions in a soft, hoarse voice and begged Clark County Judge Jackie Glass for leniency. "I didn't want to steal from anyone," said Simpson, whose lawyers sought the minimum sentence of 6-to-17 years. "I'm sorry, sorry." Glass was unmoved. The judge called the crime a "very violent event ... Guns were brought. At least one gun was drawn. The potential for harm to occur in that room was tremendous."

...In a near-perfect convergence of karmic retribution, the former football great received his verdict 13 years to the day he was acquitted of murdering his ex-wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman in the so-called Trial of the Century. But that was the 20th century, this is the 21st, and "The Juice" can no longer outrun his accusers the way he once leaped over defenders in the NFL and then automobiles in those famous 1970s car rental commercials...

...Sports may no longer be the great escape from our everyday trials and tribulations that it used to be...

...But reveling in other people's misfortune and misery is still our true national pastime...

...The enterprising ones can still find new ways to sell it all back to us. Take The New York Post, which in one amazing Wednesday cover story seemed determined to, ahem, plumb new depths in trashy tabloid titillation, thank you very very much:
















Inside the notorious, conservative-leaning publication, spread across two pages, we learn more gory details of the murder as well as juicy inside S&M stuff, like what the comely Edythe Maa, a k a Mistress Jade, was into (and not into) while she plied the tools of her oft-trying trade: "The petite dominatrix specializes in tickle torture, nipple play and 'sissy slut training' as well as forced feminization, medical play and genital torture" -- but the former Ivy Leaguer draws the line at what the paper calls "age play, nudity, face-sitting or 'intimate activity of any sort' (or) anything that hurts animals" because, after all, a lady has to have some standards...

...Worst display of Holiday Spirit in sports: Coach Jeff Fisher, with his Titans leading 44-10 late over hapless Detroit, decides to challenge a 20-yard pass completion by the Lions. Then, getting booed by the few remaining Detroit faithful, he raises his arms and waves humorlessly at the stands. I mean, I've heard of focus, but have a heart, coach...

...With just 4 games remaining, it sure doesn't look like the 0-12 Lions are getting any breaks from the schedule makers. Not an easy game in sight, with 7-5 Minnesota, 8-4 Indianapolis, 6-6 New Orleans and Green Bay at 5-7...

...As someone who suffered through an 0-9 Pop Warner season as a member of the woeful I.C.Y.P. Giants while a mere lad of 13, I always had a soft spot for those woeful teams in danger of losing all their games. These teams become an easy butt of disdain and its evil cousin derision, all because a group of athletes for whatever reason just can't win a goddamn game. Just. One. Damn. Game...

...Baseball, basketball and hockey teams, because of the sheer number of games played in a season, are never faced with it, but I remember the Columbia University Lions(!) lost something like 44 straight over five seasons around 20 years ago. In the NFL, no one has pulled an 0-fer since the 1976 Tampa Bay Bucs. But that was over a 14-game schedule, so if the Lions lose out, they set an "unbeatable" record for true futility...


...If I had to pick one game for the Lions to get off the proverbial schneid, I'd go with the Packer game, because it seems like a division game is the logical place for a streak like this to end...

...In 1989, the Dallas Cowboys almost went winless in Jimmy Johnson's first year as coach, beating only the Washington Redskins in a 1-15 nightmare of a season that saw Troy Aikman go 0-11 before getting knocked out for the year. It was Steve Walsh, a supplemental first-round pick, who bailed out the Boys and saved them from an avalanche of scorn and its evil twin contempt...

...Dallas went from 1-15 in 1989 to 7-9 in '90 and then 11-5 and the playoffs in '91...

...Last year the Dolphins were as awful as their 1-15 would indicate. This year Miami is 7-5 and still in contention for a playoff spot as we head into the final quarter of the '08 season. Two big differences: Bill Parcels is now running things in the front office, and Chad Penington is behind center...

...Detroit is trying to dig it itself out of the mess that was the Matt Millen Era (31-84 record during his tenure). The first step was trading WR Roy Williams to Dallas for 1st and a 3rd round pick. It won't be the Herschel Walker Trade in terms of resurrecting the franchise, but it's a start in the right direction. Of course, next year's draft picks do nothing to help this year's talent-challenged team...

...Not only were we treated to a rare Vince Young sighting in the Turkey Day Titans-Lions game as he mopped up for Kerry Collins, but from the other sideline came a Drew Henson appearance, the NFL equivalent of seeing a unicorn. Henson, an ex-New York Yankee third baseman, threw his first NFL regular season pass in 4 years. Ironically, his last throw was also on Thanksgiving, in his only start as a Dallas Cowboy in 2004, versus the Bears. Against the Titans, under heavy pressure, Henson threw an absolute laser of a pass to a double-covered Calvin Johnson that could not have been placed any better if it was in a video game. Unfortunately, reality then rudely intruded, with Henson getting sacked and fumbling on subsequent plays. But the Lions are going back to Daunte Culpepper for the Viking game this Sunday, instead of finding out what Henson, still only 28 (or just two months older than Tony Romo), can do as a starter over the last four games...

...Romo and the 8-4 Cowboys are playing for their playoff lives over the next four games, and if they do get into the postseason tournament nobody will be able to say they backed into it. Not with games against the NFL's top 3-ranked defenses in consecutive weeks (Steelers, Giants, Ravens) before closing out on the road against Philadelphia, whose own blitzing style of defense may cause more problems than even those teams ranked ahead of them...

...At 103.2, Romo is the league's highest-ranked passer, after finishing the last two seasons as the 5th-ranked QB (97.4 in 2007, 95.1 in 2006). As a Cowboy fan, I have to believe that God didn't bestow Romo upon us out of nowhere only to have him fall short of a championship. After all, the same thoughtful deity who kindly bequeathed us St. Roger and St. Troy wouldn't be so cruelly wanton, would he? Time will tell, as it always does. That's the best thing about time, as well as the worst...

...If I had to guess, Burress does at least a year in stir, but is allowed to return in either 2010 or 2011. Just not to the Giants, obviously...

...Antonio Pierce, for his part in the incident, does no jail time but is looking at a 4-game or possibly 8-game suspension to send a message...

...As for the last Giant in the drama, RB Ahmad Bradshaw, depending on when and/or whether he knew Plax was packing, may have violated the terms of his probation as a convicted felon who must serve the remaining 30 days of a previous sentence immediately after the current NFL season ends...

....Where the season ends, we know: Tampa. Which teams will be left standing is a little cloudy at this point. And that's why we watch the games: in sports, we always need new heroes and villains...