Friday, July 21, 2006

Leading American MEdiocrities

It should be self-explanatory, but celebrities make this list via a combination of extreme overexposure, financial success beyond all common bounds of decency, and a demonstrable, tangible lack of talent and taste. Here we go, in no particular order of crappiness, general annoyance and/or damage to Western Civilization.

Adam Sandler - the modern face of multiplex mediocrity
Matt Lauer - the morning show moron looks clinically insane
Regis Philbin - Just. Go. Away. Already.
Ray Romano - embodiment of the safe, smug suburban asshole
Bon Jovi - his anti-Bush sentiments aren't enough to save this teeny-bopping poseur
Taylor Hicks - manufactured winner of glorified karaoke contest: somebody had to win
George W. Bush - a consensus choice for worst president ever and head of a dangerous cult of lunatics known as Republicans
Robin Williams - has literally not said anything funny since 1982
Chevy Chase - founding father for all the SNL alumni who have poisoned movies since the late 1970s
Drew Barrymore - has anyone seen even one picture of this "actress" without her trademark vacuous smile?
Bruce Willis - king of the forgettable action heroes
Tom Cruise - Scientologist head case
Eva Longoria - current reigning bimbo queen and future has-been
Kevin Costner - the poster child for painfully wooden acting
Ashton Kutcher - a male bimbo and from all accounts a total douchebag who astoundingly had even 15 minutes of fame
Everyone from the cast of Friends
Keanu Reeves - an embarrassingly inept actor even by today's low standards, who wouldn't dream of appearing in a film that wasn't totally carried by CGI or other special effects
Katie Couric - is anyone else sick of her inane gummy smile by now?
Tim Allen - ex-cokehead jerkoff who wallows in a uniquely American strain of self-satisfied dumbness
Sylvestor Stallone - one of the leading avatars of cinematic stupidity
Madonna - her inexplicable popularity and critical acclaim have always baffled
Jim Belushi - all the talent in the family obviously went to his late, demented, brilliant brother
Dr. Phil - a fat greedy charlatan who should be clubbed to death by sadistic Japanese seal hunters
Rosie O'Donnell - even her affected public Lesbianism gives her zero hipness
Howard Stern - was funny for about 5 minutes in the 1980s; his horrible, ugly fan base says it all
David Hasselhoff - couldn't even make the D-list of bad television actors
Dan Ackroyd - actually a case of squandered comedic talent: why couldn't he have died young instead of his long-deceased Blues Brother?

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